I cannot Do Not want to express myself

' energy can neither be created or destroyed - only transferred '

where am I in this equation.
everything takes; pulls energy
yet when it's my turn to receive -
I am passed by without a second glance.
leaving me to struggle. . .

I am vanishing into nothing.

i'm tired.
tired of feeling.
I thought that I was happy.
thought that I could make it, since I had slowly taken down some of my wall -
and everything didn't come crashing down . . . right away
but everytime I am open,
things are too confusing.
when I let myself feel - I feel too much, or feel the wrong emotions.
Always false.
Always let down.

Everytime I get enough courage to hope;
to carry it gently in my battered hands, and share pieces of it with others -
it . s h a t t e r s .
knocked violently out of my hand,
falling and breaking because I tripped over my own feet,
or silently slipping from my fingers because I do not have a strong enough grip.
hope dashed.
yet I keep on trying?
each time failing, and never learning...

to let myself feel is my death.
I have blocked out the discouragement, the denial, the negatives.
not letting them come through.
(only I know that that are still lying deep within me.)

affection, love, concern;
are just too taunting.
relationships never work out. they screw me up.
and yet, my pathetic longing, still keeps me half-heatingly trying again and again,
to make things true.
I connect way to easily. and one of these days its going to be my downfall.
being connected. getting attached.
is dangerous.
(i'm just setting myself up for more pain and stress)

I had stopped feelings!
HAD BECOME COMPLETELY NUMB,
not having a single care!
_{but people always have to intervene.}

I go round in circles,
and am always wanting a smidgen of hope to light the way
- enough that I can have my darkness,
but still allow me to stumble along without having to entirely stop.